Resolution Smesolution… Top Resolutions not to Bother Attempting

Why do we insist on traditionally setting ourselves up for failure after the happiest holiday of the year? We’re overcome with an insane level of sugar rush, all new presents are played with, broken and put in a bottom drawer when they feel sufficiently ‘not new’ anymore, and we’ve cleared every cupboard of food. So now, in the most boring month of the calendar, we’d like to stretch both our depression and tolerance to a whole new level by setting ourselves tasks we cannot achieve. Score.

Smoking. You will not quit smoking. You’ve been saying this for the last nine years, which is way before all the NHS assistance, dirty photographs that you ponder over while you’re stood outside in the cold like a leper, forced away from the rest of society because you stink like a public house from the nineties. So now you say? When you’ve got five weeks til pay-day, little to no motivation to wade through snow to the gym to give your healthy kick-start an extra heart attack, and smoking is the one little pleasure that remains? Good luck with that.

Save money. You have just blown in excess of two months’ wages on presents for people who you’re not overly keen on, woken up with a filthy hangover for the last fifteen days straight and have already worked out that not only is it going to take you til the 2020’s to pay back your credit card, but that you cannot quit smoking. Where exactly is this extra money coming from again?

Eating Healthy. So this year we have Paul McKenna telling us to eat with our eyes shut-like that would go down well in any self-respecting restaurant, you big freak- and you still have 12 selection boxes and a Fox’s Luxury Biscuit pack in the larder. You know you’ll have to throw that lot away to not fail immediately?

Do More Exercise. With the eternal cold awaiting Aslan’s revival, the very concept of walking anywhere being a hazy, distant memory from your childhood walks to school, and the last time you recognised a squash racquet being when you used it in replacement of a broken gardening tool as it was within easy reach, I can’t see it myself. When you eventually muster up the courage to put on the lycra and get to the gym to join, battle your way past the lean keen selling machine who talks you into a 12 month membership, and suffered the shame of communal changing, it’s that busy where everyone else has joined you on the brain storm that your first thirty minutes are spent hanging about looking cool whilst you wait for an available treadmill. Genius.

Get a new Hobby. I’m sorry, did you suddenly come across extra hours in excess to the twenty-four hours that we already piddle down the drain? When you’re done with loafing, catching up on every episode of every season of everything ever that means you can keep up to date with peer conversation, Facebook stalked to your own personal satisfaction and read my blog, let me know how you’re getting along with that little glimmer of aspiration.

Get a New Job. Now this, is relatively easy, if your indication was not to get a new job that would be significantly better than your current one. Hell, if the rule were simpler I’d sign you up for Maccy’s now and prove myself wrong. We are in a recession. Your job is hellish yes, but so is everyone else’s because companies have learnt that they don’t actually need to treat their staff well to keep them, they have mortgages and will work for a pittance and suffer the emotional abuse as an added bonus. And stop watching Learndirect adverts, those people don’t exist, you think learning how to type quicker will land you the dream occupation? You’re from the internet generation, you already type quicker than Elaine, 46 from Hull.

Never one to wish to dwell on such pessimism, I offer you the alternative. Make a resolution that’s either so utterly mundane that you couldn’t not keep it, like ‘I will keep breathing.’ Alternatively, choose something that was meant to happen anyway, ‘I will shop at Tesco.’ My own personal favourite, and a little more off-the-wall, invent a resolution that you already do anyway, instant success. ‘I will be mean to everyone, unless I feel like not being mean that day’. Why set yourself up to feel even more miserable than you already are, by adding failure to your many flaws?

'I will mostly catch you this year, instead of injuring myself for humour'

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~ by Scarlettice on January 7, 2010.

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