Baby Clique: Childhood Spoiler Warning, Your Child WILL be one of These

You’ve watched Mean Girls right? Oh, you’re male/not completely tragic? Apologies. Let me enlighten you with the whole peer group scenario. Well, in fact let your children’s nursery school do it for you- if there isn’t one of each of these in there somewhere (yes, including your own precious delightful bundle of trouble) then I’ll eat a well-chosen selection of Peter Andre’s Von Dutches. Urgh…

The Snotty Kid- Any other endearing aspect of this child had faded out of the memory of any child or adult that encounters him, because he has an endless snail trail sitting on his top lip. Only his parents can physically bear to be even remotely near to his face for fear that if they get slimed, it will be for all eternity because the thing NEVER DISAPPEARS. Like, how much are baby wipes? Is the Credit Crunch so bad?

The Clingy Kid- The child that cannot leg go. Literally. When not pressed up against the window, attempting to wail through the glass at a rapidly accelerating parental car, the child seems to be surgically attached to whoever is within grabbing reach. If this appears to be no one, then he could possibly morph into…

The Crying Kid- The child that does nothing but cry. You give him toys, he cries. You put him down, he cries. You pick him up, he cries.  You sing to distract from the crying, he pauses for a moment, considering the concept of actually enjoying his life, and then cries. you get the picture.

The Eager-to-Please Kid- The child that secretly everyone wants to stamp on a little bit. The one that is always at the front when everything gets handed out. The child that talks about himself every minute of every hour of every day about how great he is. The child that obviously has the most time-efficient parents, who have decided not to teach him anything except about how fantastic he is.

The Ginger Kid- Come on, you know no matter what he does, or how intelligent or funny he is, that will always be his alias, along with…

The Fat Kid- You say you love them no matter what, but its every parent’s worst nightmare before all the obvious stuff. Anyone watch XXL Generation on Channel Four? Don’t tell me you didn’t sit there the whole time watching that woman say it wasn’t her food that made her child fat, after watching them eat chips like Little and Large on a Seafront Pier. Not even the Seagull got a look in!

The Wierd Kid- My personal favourite, and one I would happily choose for my own after he has shown classic signs. The kid that rejects all usual toys for a kitchen utensil. The child that dismisses the entire room to go laugh at a wall. The child that repeatedly crawls into himself in the mirror, thinking it’s a game of head butt. The child that sings to a table.  I wish I has even elaborated on that one, sadly it requires no embellishment!

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~ by Scarlettice on January 7, 2010.

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