One Hundred and One Things not to do as a Parent of the Twenty First Century

– Do not shout at your child. Do not scold, raise your voice, lose your temper or patience, but instead remain the epitome of serenity as you usher your little one off to the all-singing-all-dancing-will-fix-every-problem naughty step. Your work as a parent is done, now they’re sat in the hall on their own, they’re just given the time to think up more ways to bring you horror and torment.

– Do not deny your child a mobile phone. Ensure the phone is a contract phone so before they get to the age where they’re calling Chantelle/Kylie/Cheryl/Paris to compare outfits, they have been calling overseas/their own answerphone/every hotline on a TV ad/the emergency services since they could totter about on their own little legs. Don’t dream about actually teaching them about the dangers of strangers, and just say no; their phone will do it for them. Or the muggers will.

– Don’t allow your child to take part in ‘playtime’. Every activity must be aimed at making the child smarter, quicker, keener, clever-er, and altogether witty-er than the next kid. No more playgroup, sessions must be singing, making, doing, signing, massaging, learning, feeling but NOT playing. Remember, children are not for your own pleasure, but in fact part of some mastermind plan that whichever child wins, gets to rule the world.

– With reference to the previous note, do not sit back on your laurels if your child is not fiercely advanced. They’re tired? Screw that, they can sleep when they’re your age. Now get them rolling/crawling/walking/talking/lifting/digging. In fact if they don’t make the grade, if anything you have set them up for the Young Offenders break out, they’ll be streets ahead.

– Do not feed your child anything that’s not heavenly, organically, untouched-fresh-from-the-fields-no-sugar-or-enjoyment-from-it food. If it’s not an orchard fresh apple or some ludicrously priced organic pulp that is ever so slightly reminiscent of what was left in their nappy only three hours previously, it just doesn’t cut it. How do you think you ended up so mentally deranged? Iced buns, Sherbet fountains and Space Raiders, that’s how.

– Do not put a price on your child, they must have whatever is essential for them to excel in the world. View every purchase in your investment towards the next Tony Blair/Sir Stephen Hawkins/Alan Sugar/Ian Beale. They NEED every extra-curricular activity in order to rule the world. And if nothing else, they’ll be too busy to be the loner kid if they’re being taxied every night to some sports-related happening.

– Do not leave your child with anyone. Nursery, friends, family- anyone is a threat and could potentially shop you for that white head on your child’s nose that looks like a bruise in the wrong light, or the fact that you called them your ‘chubby funster’ as your drop them off in the morning. There’s a root to every therapy bill……….plus Ofsted are working on commission now, every child is a 10% bonus with an annual trip to the Seychelles.

– Finally, don’t share those little snippets of your lapse as a parent with anyone. Read 1984? The Thought Police hid in the most unlikely of places. No mentioning of the ‘I took him out without a coat in October’ moment or the time he left the house with odd socks on. Shame on you, your hierarchy on the School Calling Tree is slipping faster than Mid-Winter landslide!

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~ by Scarlettice on November 16, 2009.

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